How NOT to Get Actors to Audition for your Shit.

Alright. I wasn't planning on posting so soon. But this...this is just too good/bad not to share.

Anyone who ever wants to cast a project...I call this, "What you should do if you want only 4 people to show up."

So this morning I get a notice that a short film called "I Hear Steps" wants me to audition for them. When I'm submitting myself for auditions, I don't necessarily inspect everything on the audition notice, but I'm guessing the fact that it was filming in Mount Washington and that it was paying $400 a day that made me submit.

Now, with every audition you get, there usually is a blurb about the project, the location, and where you can get the sides/script.

What I received was a full on essay with this at the top:

Read at least twice. Alright. So I'm guessing they have specific things they want to make sure we notice, like maybe they're switching locations halfway through, or they want to give us the dates they're shooting to we don't audition for the project when we couldn't even really be able to film on all the days...

What followed was this:

Okay. Wow. Well, technically if you go earlier than your call time, that's like you rescheduled without asking...but the "tardiness will be noted" thing sent me back to 4th grade, like if I was 5 minutes late they were going to call my mom asking me why she keeps dropping me off late.

What do you do if you have work and want to switch times?

Well, they've got that covered in here, too.

I like the "blah, blah, blah", it really makes me feel secure that the casting director is over the age of 14.

I do like that they assumed all the actors were "nie and responsible". And warning us how "bad" you look for trying to work with casting in order to be able to audition.

2 hours. TWO HOURS FOR AN AUDITION. Are you kidding me? And wait, who is "cheating"? How do you "cheat" at an audition?

"lol", indeed.

 NO ONE wants you there AN HOUR BEFORE YOUR AUDITION TIME.  If you get there an hour early, it's either because you have to do the audition earlier, or this is the only audition you've ever done and you get there an hour early because you've over-estimated LA traffic.

Which I have done.

In this case, just go to a Starbucks and look like a normal person.

Oh, awesome. If we prove ourselves to be environmentally friendly, we get an automatic "like". Great. Are they casting based on our "score" at the end? Will this give me 5 extra "like" points?

You know, I'm beginning to sense that someone has a case of "sarcasm". Which, trust me, I'm all down for the sarcastic remarks. But I don't like them sprinkled through my audition notices or directed towards me.

And, wow, "poor clueless souls"? Maybe they accidentally forgot them, or they got this audition notice from their managers who forgot to attach this long list of commandments or sides.

I love that the "notes" actors put on their scripts to remember their intentions and specific changes in character are instantly diminished, that's great.

Alright, this is going from sarcasm to full out belittling. You've got to wonder, does this girl think she's hilarious for putting all this extra useless shit in here?

MAYBE you could just put them on Showfax, or some other side site. Because those sites are (almost universally) used for most auditions.

Or MAYBE you sent them a bad file, and they need you to re-send it to them.

I don't know anyone that blamed the casting director for fucking up their computer. Unless they sent a virus or something.

Also, I'm not sure google is "magical" enough to answer why you're a big ol' beezy, but thanks for the suggestion.

And now, for the audition rules and regulations.

My phone number? How about you just look at my resume. Also, I'm glad you specified it had to be MY choices, I was just going to steal them from Meryl and see how that worked out.

Well, thanks for the advice. And a lot of bad phrase structuring. And I'm guessing you may not want everyone to "read twice entirely", unless you want to be there another 3 hours.

Is this real life? Does this casting director, with, by the way, no real credits to her name, think she can talk this way to people?

I thought about sending the director an e-mail, explaining that although I would've loved to audition for his film, I don't appreciate being mocked and belittled before I even actually meet anyone from the project. And I might still do that, but I have a feeling it could blow up in my face.

But seriously, I've never NOT wanted to do an audition so much. I can't imagine how she's going to treat the actor she actually casts.

Also, rereading the original audition notice, the $400 wasn't even a gaurantee. It was if the movie makes money, and covers all the expenses, and THEN, if there's extra, you get $400. And I don't know any short film that doesn't have any plans to go into some sort of festival make any money.

So after reading this super important information, I had to say...