I'm 16...in acting years.

In highschool, more often than not, I was cast as the mom. I sung about being a housewife, and I birthed Hellen Keller.

But suddenly, in college, I was like Benjamin Button. Suddenly, I got ten or fifteen years younger, playing roles like Juliet (14...record low.)

I got a few older parts...but I still get weird looks and double takes on my I.D. when I order alcoholic beverages.

So I still sign up for 16 year old parts. Because, honestly, look at the "16" year olds on TV right now. They're like 25-30 years old.

I got an audition for this film in West Hollywood about these kids who were goth-tastic in an uber-Christian town and they get accused of killing these 8 year olds, but there was no evidence supporting it at all, but the kids still went to jail for it for over 12 years. Anyway, the part was the lead accused guy's girlfriend.

I thought, okay, cool, this isn't skanky and I wont have to catcall anyone. Let's do this.

So...if you're in LA, and you;re going to auditions...make sure your mother fuckin' printer works.

Because mine decided not to.

So I decided I was going to drive to the location, google map a printing place, and I'd be good to go.

Well. Apparently, this doesn't work on Sundays. Because printing places decide they don't like to be open on Sundays.

I literally run to two printing places, and they're both closed....why.

I text the casting people to let them know I'd be late...I already wasted 20 minutes. And then....

A beacon of light appears before me, in the shape of Fed-Ex office.

Never have been so happy to pay $3.00 just to print out a 4 page script.

I fly down Sunset to the auditioning place, which is apparently on top of a restaurant, and attempt to find an elevator, when a slim, long haired, punktastic kid comes up to me. He has to be only 15, and shows me up to this secret elevator. He asks me if  I have any questions about the project, and I ask about the plot (since it wasn't posted on the site). He then tells me that he had the idea for this project, and met this guy who liked his idea, who is now the director/producer of the film. And then, he tells me that he's playing the lead...

Well, this got weird.

I've played younger before...but not with someone who is actually that age.

I'm Glee sixteen, not real world 16.

I start to feel a little cougartastic...not in the hot Demi Moore way, like in a creepy pedophile kinda way.

We get to the auditioning room...which is the top patio of this bachelor pad type apartment.

And the director is lounging on a chaise lounge with a tiny dog next to him, sunglasses on, and taking a nap.

Awesome. Here we go.

He introduces himself, apparently secretly hoping that he blends into the "16 year old" thing we've got going on. And possibly just smoked a bowl (I'd give that an 88% possibility).

After telling me not to be overly dramatic with the lines, he lets us start.

And one or two lines in, I start to realize...this kid is just improving lines. Like, he could just read the lines...but he has decided to just riff off and do his own thing.

So his two lines turn into whole paragraphs, most sentences end with "And...*shrug* yeah." and nothing makes sense, least of all my written lines.  And, while this is still going on, our director seems distracted by his pet dog and barely pays attention to anything that's going on, so he  doesn't notice this catastrophe. THEN, a large group of random ass teenagers come up and walk onto the patio, chill there for half the audition while talking to each other super loudly, and then leave.

I felt like I was in auditioning hell.

Then he stops us. Oh, good morning, nice of you to join us. And he tells me he wants me to improvise. Honestly, improv doesn't scare me after the French shit.

He wants me to tell my "boyfriend" everythings going to be okay, and then he's going to tell me to close my eyes and imagine our future together.

Alright, fuck, sure.

So we get to the eye-closing part...and I start:

ME: "I see us in a house.."


"BOYFRIEND": In a house? Wow. Not an apartment?

ME: Haha, no, we did pretty well for ourselves.

B: Oh okay, haha

ME: And it's on the beach...

B: Oh...I don't like the beach. But okay.

Seriously?

ME: You'll get used to it, you'll like it...and we have a dog.

B: I don't like dogs, but okay.

I hate you, demon audition child.

And then I talk about making blueberry pancakes and shit.

And they loved it.

They were super impressed and really happy with my improv shit.

Maybe this was an improv audition and I didn't know about it?

I mean, it's cool if I get it, reel shit is reel shit...but honestly, if this kid just starts improving everything, I might have to stop pretending I'm 16 and give some 22 year old bitch slap...verbal bitch slap. Because that would be child abuse.