The 5 Days Where Alicia Keys Was Constantly Singing in My Head. And Don't Trust the B who gives you a part in an "Independent Film".

Oh, New York City. You smell funny, but you're so pretty I could bypass  your stench and appreciate your natural beauty. Insert stereotypical French woman joke here.

So I adventured my way to NYC last week to work on a "sizzle reel" for a possible pilot. I feel like divulging the story would be a bad thing, but just know the concept is hilarious, and most/all of it is based on improvisation. Honestly, one of the best things I've gotten to work on in a long time.

Although my main goal was to work on this pilot, this also happened to be my first time in NYC. Ever. Even though my dad's from Jersey, we never really made it out to the east coast that much (Pennsylvania, which is where he moved to later, is the extent of it). So this was pretty fucking exciting.

I stayed at Jen and Kelsey's for the 5 days, which also happened to be right outside Times Square. Checked that off my list pretty quick. And after the first couple times walking through it...I was like, fuck this shit. Too many people just deciding to post up in the middle of the sidewalk. I'VE GOT SHIT TO DO...oh, look, I magically turned into a New Yorker.

The metro, I think I still have yet to master. After trying to get back home from the Met, I took a train I thought was going to take me straight back home...but somehow I ended up underground for a long time and came back up in Queens. I guess I can add that to my list of things to visit in NY, and then check it off, as well.

There's so much shit that happened, I can't even begin to try to write them all in. But it was so so nice to see the handful of UCSBers out in the city that I hadn't seen in like a year. And my friend James, who I literally had not seen in person for at least 3 or 4 years. And the city itself, so so pretty and alive.

Okay, so I'm already planning to live here in the future. I can't right now, but I'll get to it in a bit.

And I can't tell you how nice it was not to worry about putting a reel together, about auditions, about callbacks, about anything. It was like, cool, I have this job to do. I can't really work on doing anything else because I'm across the country. And I'm good. It was the most relaxed I've been in a really long time.

And after years of dreading the times when teachers would want us to do improvisation, or during rehearsals, having to suddenly think of shit my character would say and freaking out for fear of being "wrong"...comedy improvisation has suddenly become something that makes me really really happy. How the fuck did that happen.

I think I just stopped giving a shit, which was something you can't really do in a theater program. I didn't care if I said something that sounded weird or wrong, just edit me out and we're good.

After coming home, though, it was like a blanket of stress just kinda lightly draped itself around me. Hi, goals and aspirations. I know, I'm working on it.

So I've been looking for more comedy projects to take on, and hopefully get a webseries going that follows in the same format as what I did in NYC.

Also something I realized...you can't just go down here and get an agent. You can't. I mean, you could. But to get a good agent who's going to take you seriously and work for you, I think you gotta prove yourself first. Like, hey, look at this shit I did. I'm good at things. Yes, you can work for me. I've spent a whole lot of time being like, "I need an agent or I'm going to diiiiiiiiie (metaphorically)". But you gotta run  your own business for a while before you take on more employers. And acting's YOUR business.

Look at that, I learned things. Thanks, life.

So I got back to LA, and it was life as-per-usual. Auditions, Callbacks, Cmails, Cazt.

Two or three weeks earlier, I had responded to a public facebook post about a couple parts in an independent film.

Well, that sounds nifty! I like acting.

But the term "indie film"...is used very very loosely these days. Because what you immediately think as an indie film...turns out, is usually not the version of "indie" you imagine.

So I contacted her, asked her about the project and the role, but I got a response that was basically like "Give me your number and the director will contact you!".

Woah. Wait. I'm not going to sign up for something that I know nothing about. So I ask her again before giving her my number. Finally she tells me it's a comedy about aspiring film makers, and the parts in question would be a sexy villainess and a sweet, but cocky girl. Cool, aight, that sounds like it could work.

So fast forward, the director contacts me through text message, and asks if I have experience with comedy...which was a weird question if you're already going to cast me.

We also figure out that they all live 2 HOURS away, something I kinda wish the girl had told me beforehand. But he said he was thinking of filming in Los Angeles so I wouldn't have to drive all the way out there, so it was cool.

Aight, sounds good.

So I still have no script, no real clue on what I'm doing...but I get back from NY and he texts me that we're all meeting at his house. I respond with sure! Cool beans.

He sends me the address...and it's like two hours away with traffic.

What.

So I kinda tell him heeeey remember I live far...but he doesn't really seem to get the hint. Okay, whatever, hopefully it'll be the only time I drive out, and this could be a good opportunity.

So I drive out...yay driving. I get there, and it hits me how out of LaLaland this place is.

I park my car, and get to the house. I meet him finally face to face, and he seems like a nice guy...we go inside...

And it suddenly becomes very clear to me that this probably isn't "indie film" I pictured in my mind.

He had only made two copies of the whole script, and were missing the first 28 pages. Also, not everyone was going to show up. Oh, PS, we don't really have a set role for you so we'll just read some stuff.

And he's never directed before. Hey-oh.

At this point, my stomach starts to turn a little, because WHAT THE FUCK DID I GET MYSELF INTO. The girl had made it seem like this was an actual film, not a hey-I'm-getting-my-friends-together-to-make-a-movie type thing. The girl was at the meeting as well and avoided eye contact with me the entiiiiire tiiiime.

Now before I sound like a beezy, OF COURSE if any of my friends were like, "Hey want to be in my movie?" and I didn't have to be naked or say anything offensive, I'd be like fuck yeah let's do it. But this was someone I had never met before, who had me drive out 2 hours in traffic, who had never really done a film ever.

Ballz.

So it's me, the girl, another girl who's friends with him who leaves before reading the script because she thought we were just sharing schedules, a guy who just woke up (also clearly not an actor), and another guy who had never acted before.

We start reading the script, sharing the two copies between all of us. But first, he says, "How come y'all are so quiet? It's a girl thing huh?" followed by a comment on how he got vegetables for the girls because apparently we don't eat chips.

Oh...that's only the tip of the stereotypes. But I think it gives you a better look into how this script plays out.

I wont go into details...because he's also thinking of selling the script, and is pretty sure someone will buy it, which he repeats a couple times. Lucky us.

So we read...and I felt like I was in a high school english class again, reading Shakespeare out loud. You know the tone. Kinda wanting to finish the lines with as minimal effort as possible.

And it's mostly the director, who has also casts himself as the lead, and the two other guys reading, because the girl parts are few and sparse, and sexist-tastic.

So I'm sitting there, thinking...should I get Sam to call me and say there's an emergency? Or maybe I have to go somewhere...

Oh, hey I get to read now? Cooool.

I read for this part called Cindy, who is clearly the manufacturing of a guy who got ignored by the popular girls in high school, but in the end, dreams come true and the girl ends up sleeping with the guy. Because Cindy meets this guy (who she met online), goes out with him reluctantly, and then sleeps with him. 3 or 4 times. That night. Who also is looked at questionably for having a condom in her purse. Lovely.

So I read it with this guy, and if nothing else, at least I looked like a damn good actor. That's positive.

There's something for everyone in this movie...sexism, homophobia, racism, you name it.

And I'm dying a little every time I have to read.

Side note: this was his wife's grandma's house. Yup, add that to all of this.

In the movie, there's also a lady who's named "Athiest" who gets mad at the guy for praying over his food before he eats it.

Look, I don't know about you...but I've never met anyone who would stop someone from praying over their food. This clearly was his jab at athiests for...being athiest?

And in case we didn't think this was funny, he was going to make sure we knew how funny it was. Because he explained out every joke if we didn't laugh. And made sure to laugh at his lines while saying them. Thanks, Jimmy Fallon.

Thankfully, he summarized some of the 170 pages of script. Which was fuuuuull of typos and misspelled words that the spelling/grammar nazi inside of me was just dying to fix.

So we finally get to the end...FREEEE AT LAAAAST.

And the question gets brought up...

"So what did you think?"

Oh fuck.

"...I'm not sure it was my kind of humor."

I say it in a semi-positive voice, so it seemed like it was my fault that I didn't think any of it was funny.

I mean, I exited pretty gracefully.

But I was definitely pissed that I had spent so much time driving for something that wasn't even really put together well in the first place.

Does this make me sound like a bitch?

Maybe.

But when you're doing stuff for free, and you have been for a while...I think the least you can do is be picky with what you chose to do gratis.

The whole thing just made me really sad...and also made me want to write something with female characters who weren't "the bitches" or "the sluts". I mean, seriously. I don't even think you could pay me to be a role that was clearly the invention of some misogynistic prick.

So I e-mailed him today, letting him know that I wasn't sure this was my type of humor, and that I wished him well with his film.

No response yet.

But at least I'm outtie.







At least it wasn't porn.

Tri-colored Bell Pepper Salad.

I know what you're thinking.

"What the fuck is that?"

It's fuckin' delicious, that's what it is. 

It's a salad that's rooted in the South of France near where I used to live, and it's really good on a sunny day for lunch or a side-salad for dinner.

WHAT YOU NEED:

4 large/6 small bellpeppers (you can use whatever color you want, but I got mine from a trio-pack from Trader Joes)

1 garlic clove

1 tsp Olive Oil

1 small press of lemon juice

1 sheet pan

Aluminum foil

Sharp knife

STEP 1:

Pre-heat your oven to 400 degrees. Line your baking sheet with aluminum foil and place your bell peppers on the pan. Once the oven is at temperature, put the bell peppers in for about 10-15 minutes.

STEP 2:

Once one of the sides of the bell peppers has turned into a dark brown, charcoal color, turn the peppers so that the two non-darkened sides are facing up and are on the sheet pan. Put them back in the oven until all the sides are a dark charcoal color.

STEP 3:

 

Take out the bell peppers from the oven and let them cool a little bit. Once they're okay to the touch, pull out the stems and drain the peppers of the juice they've produced while cooking. Do this and you'll avoid this:

STEP 4: Move the peppers to a cutting board. Cut the bell peppers one at a time open, so they're flat against the board, and take out the seeds. Flip them over so they're skin-side up.

STEP 5: One at a time, start to peel the skins off the peppers with the use of a sharp knife. This will take a little time, but you'll get the hand of it after the second one.

STEP 5: Put the peppers in a bowl. Grab your garlic clove and put it through the garlic press (or finely chop up your garlic) and put in in the bowl, along with the Olive oil. Sprinkle the lemon juice over the peppers, and mix everything together. Put a piece of plastic-wrap over the bowl and place it in the refrigerator to marinate overnight.

After it's been there overnight, you're good to go. :)

Serve in a bowl or bowl-plate with a piece of bread. Nomz.

When life gives you extra rice.

So somehow, no matter what we seem to do, whenever Sam and I order thai food, we always have extra rice.

I really hate throwing food away. But I also don't really want to get fat-tastic. So instead of maybe other leftover-rice options (fried rice being the main culprit), I tried to make something that would be tasty and delicious, but not ridiculously diet-killing. 

So, I give you:


Leftover Low-fat/Low-sugar Brown Rice Pudding

What You Need:

2 cups brown/white rice (if you have less or more, you can adjust the recipe to the amount of rice you have)

3 cups milk (almond, coconut, whichever. I used 1% because that's what I had around)

5 Splenda packets (or if you're not down with splenda, use about 1/4 cup sugar)

1 tsp brown sugar (just to get that maple-y taste)

1 Tbsp cinnamon (or less/more to taste)

1 pinch of salt

1 tsp Vanilla extract (or I used half of a vanilla bean)

1 pinch of Pumpkin Pie spice (or a mix of nutmeg and ground cloves)

OPTIONAL: 1/4 cup or so of dried raisins/tiny fruit (I had a mix bag of cherries, raisins, blueberries, and golden raisins, so I sut used that)

Saucepan

Stir object.

STEP 1: Take your 2 cups of rice, 5 Splenda packets/Sugar, Brown sugar, Salt, and your 3 cups of milk, and put into a saucepan on high heat, stirring every once in a while to avoid the milk burning on the bottom. Heat until the milk starts to boil.

STEP 2: Once the milk starts to boil, lower the flame/temperature down to a low simmer. At this point, add the vanilla or vanilla bean, and the raisins/dried fruit bits. If you have a vanilla bean, scrape out the vanilla from inside the bean into the mixture, and throw in the bean itself in there too.

STEP 3: Let the mixture simmer for about 20-30 minutes, checking up on it every 5 to give it a quick stir. Cook until the milk has evaporated and you're left with a fairly thick rice mixture.

STEP 4: Once everything has boiled down, add the rest of your spices. 

STEP 5: Once you've stirred in your spices, let it cook for another 30 seconds or so, just to cook in the spices. Once you've done this, you can either let it cool down and serve warm, or throw it in the fridge, like I did and either reheat it later or eat cold.

And there ya go. Eat it for a quick breakfast, a fast snack, or a nice dessert. It's actually really good if you like rice pudding. I think I accidentally ate a serving last night just by continually tasting it.

PS: Make sure to take out the Vanilla Bean pod, if you put it in earlier, when you're serving it! You don't want to actually eat the pod, but try to leave it in the rice to add flavor. 

Enjoy, y'all. :)